Have you completed your End of Life Directives and communicated this with others?

We finally got around to getting our will done when the kids were in middle school. We’d been living close to other family members (thinking that they would be there “if anything happened”), but with a cross-country move completed, we decided it was important to have guardians in place and the financial details decided.

“Wait, what? You want us to complete an Advance Directive too?!” I have to admit, we took the forms that the lawyer gave us home, gave them a cursory glance, and stuck them in a drawer never to be seen again.

Years passed, the marriage ended, and all the paperwork that comes with regaining independence came with a new will and another chance to put my healthcare wishes in writing. This time I actually did it, choosing my sister as my representative, but did I have the conversations with her or with my care team? Nope!! She got a copy, and I answered “yes” when asked by my doctor if I had one. “Oh - I’ll upload that when I get home!” Didn’t happen.

What finally convinced me of the absolute value of going all the way in on this End of Life Planning task? 

My mom didn’t have one when she got diagnosed with acute leukemia. She chose to go into the hospital for chemo, and ended up hooked up to tubes in the ICU after pneumonia set in. We were all in shock, and my older sister said she had had this conversation, my younger one said no this is what she wanted, and my dad couldn’t even speak. What if we had talked about what mattered to her before it was too late?

We were with her when she died in a room on the hospice floor, but she didn’t get to see her beloved gardens in her last hours. That’s what I imagine she would have wanted. My family knows my preferences and what will bring me comfort at my end of life. The form is uploaded to the various specialists’ portals. 

Peace of mind. It’s the best gift I can provide both myself and my loved ones. 

When it comes to making healthcare decisions now for our final years, months, or days, we probably aren’t able to predict exactly the medical treatment needed when that time comes.  Based on that great unknown, it’s tempting to fall into indecision - another reason to put off what we know needs doing.  

If the choices are either feeling difficult emotions now because of uncomfortable stuff down the road, or avoiding it altogether - well, you know what’s easiest.  The paradox is this: preventing predictable hardship for your loved ones is a ripe opportunity to do the very thing you find off-putting now. Death is hard. If there’s a chance to make this tough situation easier for everyone by planning ahead, wouldn’t you want to take it?  

What Does “Quality of Life” Mean to You?

This approach might help.  Think about what quality of life means to you.  In other words, what is it that makes you, you?  Is it being in your own home?  Recognizing and understanding the people important to you?  

Maybe it’s being able to feel the sun on your face, even from indoors and looking through a window? Are there religious beliefs you hold that are reflected in essential elements of your earthly experience?  These considerations are a good, general place to begin planning.  

What Brings You Comfort?

You might also reflect on a time when you’ve been ill or injured.  What gave you comfort and in turn, eased your suffering? Those same practices can launch your plan for end-of-life care.  Whether it’s medical, physical, social or emotional care, the people providing it will benefit in untold ways when you can give them guidance ahead of time.   

Allowing them to act with assurance instead of having added distress over wondering, guessing, or worrying is one of the best gifts you’ll ever give.  After you are gone, their grief process will be eased. 

Advance Care Planning is a Process

Just remember that advance care planning is a process, rather than an event.  Don’t stress too much about getting it just right or covering all the bases. Whatever you decide now is fine.  But come back to it when your health changes in a way that might require more specific care, or when something prompts you to reconsider or refine your wishes.  

We’re always changing and evolving. For today, and if it’s your thing, enjoy the feel of warm sunshine on your face, and live in wellness.